Wound Up

I've been writing this post for 3 days.

What do you do when you fill like killing everyone around you? When all your feelings and emotions boil inside you, you're literally wound up. When there's no shoulder to cry on, what do you do? When you're used to being so strong, but all you want is breaking down. When you have to smile to everyone and say everything's ok, and only a few of your friends know you're on the edge of the explosion. When you go on slippery ice like a doll on the hinges not just because it's slippery, but also because you are almost convulsed with your nervous. Do you scream all your emotions out loud? Do you tear a pillow to the darn? Do you go shopping or to the gym? I do not.
I keep it all in my mind, save it like money in a piggy bank. But when something is overfull, doesn't it... burst? It bursts like a grenade blowing away everything on its way, everyone in the affected area. So, this is how my mental nature works - my patience gives way and I lose my temper. Usually I burst out crying and blame someone Generally I get angry with my mom, I blame her for not having helped me with some decision, for the lack of supporting, - something we all really need when we're so 'strong'.  My mom is the one who's under my attack because she's always next to me and the closest person to get a hot hand. I can't afford myself to put up a fight with my friends, and unconsciously I know mom understands my condition and will help me to get it over with. Of course, it turns out to be this way.
My breakdown is always a result. A logical completion of a long period of piling up all my insults, mistakes, promises and failures. I never reveal what's on my mind in fact; I hide it, put it off, try to forget about it. And even though I don't remember the reason, my mind knows what to feel. And, unfortunately, it knows the "best" moment to let it out. In general, this moment is, certainly, a critical one, when you feel the ceiling, AND HERE IT GOES! BOOM! TO THE HELL! The culmination of your drama. But right after that the most terrible thing happens.
Only you've let off your steam, you understand you weren't so right with your offended thoughts. You realize that people you were angry with are pretty innocent, and you're the one who lose. When you get all your cries didn't cost a dime, you lost so many nerves and received nothing back - has it ever made anyone feel well? I don't know what's about others, but my conscience works in a very good way to make me feel uncomfortable; after all, 'strong' people can't lose, especially in such things which are even hard to imagine. It doesn't mean everything will go around - usually after that my life becomes normal again, I'm 'always happy' and every damn thing is amazing, but I always know - be ready to fall down one more time.

Be brave to admit your vulnerability.