Generally I keep on working, studying, learning while spring comes in again. I'm glad that here in Vladivostok seasons change according to the calendar, and not according to freaking glaciers in the sea.
I like studying French, even though we're taught in a very rough way, sometimes not having time to follow the thoughts of our teacher. Rodion started learning German, so I have one more person to talk to about languages. And now I'd like to introduce you the French part of me:
Je m'appelle Olga et je suis étudiante. J'ai 18 ans. J'habite Vladivostok, mais ce n'est pas ma ville natale, Ioujno-Sakhalinsk est ma ville natale. Mon père est conducteur et ma mère est médecin, ils habitent Ioujno-Sakhalinsk. J'ai une sœur aînée, elle s'appelle Ioulia et elle a deux filles.
That's all for awhile, what I remember, except greeting phrases, of course.
Lately I decided to live [at least] one day without using cruel words. I've noticed that I became rude and kinda ignorant, though I know it's not who I am. My friends use strong language as jokes, and so I started to do so, and it affects me in one or another way. I should come back to my normal condition of a kind and good girl with manners and something. I know, I have some image of a cool female version of a hustla who always has something to talk back and never cares of problems, but BANG! Here it comes - all troubles, I can't bear it any more, bla-bla-bla, I need to change something, and yes, I should.
In the end, all you need is love. So I should think back of giving love to the world, give up being sociophobic - it sucks, I'd never been like that before, I should remind myself of how to be happy and open to the world not only during the weekend having another drink. I should stop being jealous and hateful thinking life isn't fair to me and I am miserable. I am not. I'm good, really good. What I do is good and what I want to do is good. It's fine that I have troubles, and it's not fine that I let all my negative thoughts pile up in my head, in my souls, whatever you call that place, and then they blow up, and I blow up, and it hurts me and people around me like an atomic bomb. And unlike Hiroshima and Nagasaki, I know when it's gonna come and how. I feel so blue and down, like I've been dissed by a million people, and a guy of my dreams turned out to be gay, and my parents turned their backs on me, and it's so stupid and silly, but I can't help it.
I know I type the same things every year, every time I feel that way. It's been pretty long since I wrote something amazingly positive. But this is the space for my self-reflection, and it works. Today I've found out what may bring me to this awful condition and so it all boils down to:
- The weather. In Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk my season depression started in April when I thought the snow would finally melt, and the spring would come, and the Sun would shine, and when it all sis nothing, and it still was gloomy, snowy, windy and all that jazz, I became really sad, like really. Here in Vladivostok I prayed for March, because it's known to be real spring since March here. But it's not. It's still cloudy, so windy I can't stand, there's no sunshine, it's just light in daytime, and it presses me so much.
- Homesickness. Yes-yes-yes, I admit it, I miss my home. But I don't miss Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk exactly, I miss my parents. When it's tough to deal with everything, you search for the best support in the world, and I can't deny it that it's our parents. Now I started extra-working, it's still winter I don't like so much, it's nothing about my private life, so of course I feel like that kind of support no friend can give, and it's not bad or wrong, it's just the way it is. As long as I don't have my own family (and even when I have it, I'm sure), I'll have those days when you need your parents' atmosphere around.
I know I'll get through it, the spring will come, and everything will become so fine, I'll be so happy. But now the things are just the way they are.
be brave
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