This year my tradition of annual watching "Cloud Atlas" on the day I saw it for the first time, the 4th of November, was broken a bit - I had too much homework to do that day, so I had to delay it. Nevertheless, here I go with tears on my cheeks, head in the clouds ("got no weight on my shoulders"). This Saturday night doesn't have me outside, and I don't think I'm going to spend one more whole night outside unless it's May (except New Year night, probably, but even that night we usually come somewhere inside at 3 a.m. or so).
Now I can grandiloquently talk about how worthlessly I spend my evenings (not talking about today's, of course), but I'm sure it's all gonna end up the same - I'll turn on another episode of another series, and so on. It's come the time when I don't have any pressure over me from the outside and I must insist on doing anything by myself. It's not that earlier my parents or teachers controlled me all way long, they actually never did. But finally I have time to work more and harder, almost nothing holds me down - only my laziness and the lack of the closest aim do. I mean, there's some undercover thought in my mind - oh, the exams aren't soon, I do it well about current stuff, there's nothing to worry about, you'll have time for that later... What if I will not? What if there'll be no time for that? The better I work while I have the opportunity, the more I will get in the future.
I plan on becoming the English tutor in the second semester. English is the only thing for now I can share with someone else. I think of teaching teenagers at the ago of 11-13, when they already understand something, but don't bother about final examinations. I wonder if there are teenagers in Vladivostok who are interested in knowing the language just for living, not for passing the exams as I was interested in it, when I started learning it? Only later on I decided to pass some stupid exams, and now English has become an important part of my life. So examinations have never been my aim of learning English. But one web source claims that learning a language shouldn't be an aim, but a key, a way to a better, higher intention. But what if I don't have that intention? What if learning a language takes me all and I don't need it as a key for something bigger, but a language is a big thing for me as it is? Certainly, in some silly papers I write that I learn languages to watch movies in the original language, easily travel the world and connect to the native people, read information in other languages that I can't find in Russian and so on... But they are only excuses. There are people around me which don't want to know a foreign language, they don't feel the need to, and they live their lives without troubles, watch those damn films, travel the world and find out that information. If worse comes to worst, there is holy Google Translator at least. So why do certain people have that unstoppable wish to speak more than one and even two languages? And why don't others share that wish? Who knows...
I have just now had a sweet Skype talk with Ilya. He will come to Yuzhno-Sakhalinsk for up-coming Christmas holidays as I will and as most of our friends will, so I can already feel an inevitable party all our super party of good old school friends is going to have. 'Cause we Christmas harder than you. I can't deny I miss my friends, but I can't help admiring the Internet - I don't miss home, my parents and the very same friends that much as I would if I couldn't send them funny pictures and videos, share emotions about the last episode or see their dear faces on the screen of my laptop. I don't even mention now my last trip to Khabarovsk (still wait for it). But anyhow seeing and feeling friends and relatives by your side, hearing their voices in real life, hugging them is something you can pay a lot for. I know that I try not to "get attached to somebody you could lose", but I can't refuse, can't erase people I already love, they are already those people who create me, myself and I, who make me who I am. So that's it.
The song of the day will be "Wildest Dreams" by Taylor Swift from her latest album "1989", that suits my mood so perfectly right now. I can't find a descend record on YouTube to put it here, because all such things are banned, but no one forbade me to leave here the lyrics.
He said, "Let's get out of this town,
Drive out of the city, away from the crowds
I thought heaven can't help me now."
Nothing lasts forever, but this is gonna take me down
He's so tall and handsome as hell
He's so bad but he does it so well
I can see the end as it begins
My one condition is
Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress,
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams, oh, wildest dreams, oh, ah.
I said, "No one has to know what we do,"
His hands are in my hair, his clothes are in my room
And his voice is a familiar sound,
Nothing lasts forever but this is getting good now
He's so tall and handsome as hell
He's so bad but he does it so well
And when we've had our very last kiss
My last request is
Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress,
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams, oh, wildest dreams, oh, ah.
You see me in hindsight
Tangled up with you all night
Burning it down
Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories
Follow you around
You'll see me in hindsight
Tangled up with you all night
Burning it down
Someday when you leave me
I bet these memories
Follow you around
Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress,
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just pretend
Say you'll remember me standing in a nice dress,
Staring at the sunset, babe
Red lips and rosy cheeks
Say you'll see me again
Even if it's just in your (just pretend, just pretend) wildest dreams, oh, ah, in your wildest dreams, oh, ah
Even if it's just in your wildest dreams, oh, ah, in your wildest dreams, ah, ah.
Be brave.
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